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| The blog has moved |
| 07.20.04 (1:45 pm) [edit] |
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Hey everyone, I have moved to join the SUPERBLOG, "Liberty's Kids," over at: http://libertyskids.tblog.com... Come and visit us for all the latest and greatest the best of the blogging community has to offer!
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| Oh Terrance, you've got a letter |
| 07.12.04 (2:57 pm) [edit] |
Oh yeah, the blog. Sorry I haven't done it in like a week-I've been working on this dang pooish project for my website. Like the one I write for, that website. I wish I had a notebook computer so I could type on the planes while I travel to SLC tomorrow. As it is, I will have to write with a pen and a notepad! I'd may as well write with:
Anyway, I'm just hoping my time in SLC is not too inconvenient for everyone there-I feel bad when people have to drive me around or stuff. I wouldn't want anyone to take their week off or something, because even with unlimited free time, it's still SLC and there is nothing to do there but eat. Mmmm...eat...
I also have nothing to wear-it's supposed to be 100 degrees, and all I have are like sports coats and long sleeved dress shirts. What a rip! So either I dress up and look like a fool (a fool!) or dress down and look like a fool (a fool!) but at least will be comfortable. Questions, questions.
OK since I will be gone for another week, here is a bonus cartoon to hold you over. It's something I drew after getting an incredibly short haircut which to me looked like I was one of those magnetic picture guys where you take the iron filings and drag them onto his head and face. It was really bad and it looked something like this:
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| You guys are my best friends |
| 06.30.04 (6:02 pm) [edit] |
My little bro has finally made it out here to visit me in Milwaukee. We will be posting some real photos soon, so keep watching, and KEEP VOTING for the new watch (see yesterday's post!)
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| Clock Versus Clock |
| 06.29.04 (8:13 pm) [edit] |
I usually don't wear a watch, because I don't want to be reminded of how little time has actually gone by. Most of the things I do are unpleasant (going to work, working out, ironing massive piles of clothing) these days, and I would rather not put a number on how many hours of my life I am losing.
However, there are times where a person does need to know what time it actually is, and for that, I decided to replace the watch that broke off of me when my arm got too fat. I'm not saying the rest of my body got too fat-it was just my arm, just above the left wrist. I had a great little watch that was shiny and new and one day it went 'pop' and flew off. It was very sad, I noted, as I downed another licorice rope.
But the new Dr. Funky is lean and mean, or at least holding steady at 13 lbs leaner and meaner than the fat-armed Dr. Funky of yesteryear, and I decided it was time to move on and select a new timepiece companion.
I went to a few different stores-actually K-mart first, as it had the original watch I owned. It did cross my mind that the watch broke due to shoddy K-mart workmanship, but that still doesn't explain why my hand would turn blue when I would put my watch on back then.
Regardless, I narrowed it down to two watches. The first watch was a huge, manly watch-kindof the Humvee of watches. It had many buttons and a very large, manly face, and a large, manly band, and it was a stopwatch and could tell you the temperature and had an alarm clock, etc. The things I didn't like about it: it was so large you could have served Triscuits off of it at a dinner party, and the little button for the Indiglo was on the left!
Now come on, who is going to access the indiglo button on the left. Left handed people? Oh...OK I guess they would. I was thinking the watch would still be on the left hand, but it would probably be on the right. That would have been pretty funny if a left handed person put their watch on their left hand though and then tried to hit the button with their left hand:
Very very lame. In the end, I just stared at the two choices for about 20 minutes and couldn't decide. Low-profile sensible, or gaudy but tough. Then I decided to let the blogging community decide. Cast your vote for red or blue!
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| Diet, All right! |
| 06.28.04 (2:30 pm) [edit] |
In response to Fatal Fame's response to yesterday's blog:
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| Diet, Schmiet |
| 06.27.04 (9:20 pm) [edit] |
I miss my old breakfast...
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| The Miseducation of Laundry Hill |
| 06.23.04 (7:41 pm) [edit] |
Sorry, I'm strapped for time tonight so here is a real picture of the Laundry Hill, in case you thought I was exaggerating from yesterday:
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| The guy behind the guy behind the guy |
| 06.22.04 (8:23 pm) [edit] |
Ah my children, it is good to be back. I have missed this blog-there are many things I have seen in the last 2 weeks that were blog-worthy, and would have been hilarious, I'm sure, but I forgot to write them down. Well, actually I did write them down, but I can't find my list anywhere, and all that remains is a business card that says this:
I have no idea what it means, but I think it's important...
In other news, I have been trying to iron my clothes hill that has been produced by the induction of my new washer and dryer (see my previous blog from 6/6/04) in preparation of my brother (http://fatalfame.tblog.com) arriving next week to visit.
My clothes hill is a literal hill of clothing that is piled up on my couch. A few days ago, I turned on X Men 2 and ironed for 2 1/2 hours, and got about 10% into it.
The hill is a hill in a literal sense. It has its own climate, avelanches, and a charming skiing community at its base:
If I quit my job and ironed non-stop for the next 7 days, I might be most of the way done by the time my bro arrives. But then I will have no money to buy him tostadas, and it will all be for naught. Can't I just throw away my clothes and buy new ones?
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| Return of the King |
| 06.21.04 (8:00 pm) [edit] |
That's right, I'm back. 2 solid weeks of technical problems almost led me to believe the blog would never return, but a quick download of Netscapte Navigator and I can log in again. Has it ever happened to anyone else on this site that IE won't let you log in? How did you get around it?
Regardless, a lot has been happening since I last left you. My dog's leg has pretty much been fine but I'm still supposed to keep her off of it. She can walk/run/jump on it, so I'm thinking she will recover. No $3,000 surgery for her! And now I can take those dance lessons!
On a technical note, does anyone know the HTML to link to something and make the link be the name of the thing you're linking to and not have it just say 'link'? Like I would say 'go to BOB's website' and the word BOB would be the hyper link?
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| What do I get out of this, I always try, I always miss |
| 06.10.04 (9:14 am) [edit] |
1 day down, 59 to go. My dog broke her hip socket, and fixing it will either require a $3,000 surgery or 2 months of solid bed rest, neither of which is a guarantee her leg will fully heal or heal correctly. It sucks because she's still basically a puppy and loves to run and play, and 2 months of being confined to her kennel is going to be very very hard on her.
It's already taking its toll on me as well. When I take her out for walks, I have to carry her and then put her down just briefly and try to prevent her from walking around as much as humanly possible. She's escaped from her kennel 3 times in the last day and has been hiding under the bed. And in 1 month when I go out of town for a week, she'll be staying with her 2 yorkie friends (1 of which is her daughter) and can't play with them. She'll have to stay locked up, which is like taking a kid to Disneyland and putting him in a clear box in the middle and not letting him leave.
Needless to say I'm not in much of a mood to do a cartoon today-this whole thing was my fault. I jerked her back on her leash to keep her from getting hit by a motorcycle but I yanked way too hard and she went flying into the curb. I think it was coming more from a place of anger than of keeping her safe. She's always darting after something or another or picking fights with other dogs.
Even if I had the $3,000, I still don't think I could bring myself to spend it on her. I love her and I want her leg to be fixed, but the truth is that money could be better spent. A downpayment on a home, some wedding rings and a honeymoon someday (no, this is not even remotely in the works, I'm just listing things) or using it to pay off other debt to continue to free myself up financially.
So the best I can do is just try as best as I can to keep her in her bed and hope for the best. Poor kid.
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| That was awful, right? |
| 06.07.04 (9:12 pm) [edit] |
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| This is what you were waiting for |
| 06.06.04 (8:37 pm) [edit] |
I am very pleased to announce the Dr. Funky store is now open for business! Click here now! http://www.cafepress.com/tobi...
Additional products will be arriving soon! Sorry the prices are so expensive-the hosting site charges an arm and a leg!
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| The sea monkeys have my money |
| 06.06.04 (11:22 am) [edit] |
This weekend marked an historic occasion: the arrival ofmy very first washing machine, to be followed soon by a dryer. A lady at work was selling her very new and nice one for a very reasonable price and I snapped it up-she even delivered it for free. Up until now, I have been using the laundromat across the street, which, while it’s close, is still a major hassle. Washing, drying, finding quarters, having strangers get impatient with your laundry and taking it out and putting it on the table in the corner, listening to the radio station that plays nothing but country music from 1982…it takes its toll.
I had not seen the washer until it arrived at my house-I just researched it online and found it to be acceptable, but with no pictures. The washer is all cool and futuristic-it has little digital push buttons and knobs and things. I was very impressed.
However, the washer did not fit through my door, so naturally I decided to take the door apart. I have a little storm door on the outside and I was busy reverse drilling the screws out of the woodwork to remove the hydraulic arm thing, when the lady who was delivering the washer just said ‘can’t you just do this?” and went *boink* and poked this little pin out of the mechanism and it detached immediately from the door, allowing the door to swing completely open. Meanwhile, I have like 8 screws out and am making this total mess.
When we got it in, I had to go rent an appliance dolly from Uhaul. I was wheeling it out of the store when I banged into a large propane tank. It sounded like a tank had fired at a gong. *BOOOOONNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG GG* I tried to put my shoe on it to ‘ground’ it but it did nothing, so I just scurried away.
I got the appliance dolly home and hooked the washer on to it and started to push it down the stairs. You know that one half second in life that’s right before you realize you’re in over your head? I’ve got a dolly with wheels on it and two gliders on the back so it can walk down stairs, and like a 300 lb washing machine hooked to it, and the only thing preventing it from flying 15 feet to the bottom of my stairs like it was a slalom was me. It goes over the first step and all of the sudden it’s like I’m trying to prevent a rocket from taking off just by tugging on a rope. I dig my feet into the walls and hang on for dear life.
Because I couldn’t stop it at all, really, I just slowly inched my way all the way down the stairs, with the washer pulling with like a level 7 G-force on my arms. The good news is I got it downstairs. The bad news is my arms now touch the ground. The good news is that I got hired as the new point guard for the Milwaukee Bucks. At least my uniforms will be clean.
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| I found a fatal flaw in the logic of love |
| 06.03.04 (6:22 pm) [edit] |
OK it's been 2 weeks and 2 days now on the Hillary Beach Diet. Here is how I feel:
1. My feet feel, most of the day, like they are infected with cancer or that they are thobbing, as if they'd just been run over by a herd of cattle.
2. ....
OK so sore feet are about the only noticeable side effect to the constant, agonizing pain that is concentrated, daily exercise. I extended my workout by 10 minutes last night and then hopped on the scales this morning to find I had gained all 3 of my pounds back. I'm really hoping that was an early-morning hallucination because I know some diet scales that are going to be dropped from a 10-story building tomorrow in downtown Milwaukee if that will remain true when I wake up.
Apart from that, I do feel somewhat disciplined. I really have worked out every day for the last 16 days with no break days or anything and that is something. The down-side is that my treadmill is in my unfinished basement, which is about as exciting to look at for an hour at a time as, say, a drive through Wyoming. It's just cinder blocks that are painted grey, and various workout equipment. I have a little CD player there to play some tunes, but invariably I decide I don't like one of the songs and try to skip ahead on the disc, inadvertently flinging myself into a Daffy Duck-ian episode of tripping over my feet and nearly flying off the treadmill in an effort to locate and push the skip button while simultaneously jogging at an accelerated speed.
Untimately, I'm going to give the HBD about 2 more weeks. If by then I haven't lost, say, 40 lbs, I'm just going to start swallowing live baby lobsters and let them eat the fat away from the inside. They will eat the fat and then my stomach acid will kill them before they get to any vital organs. It's foolproof.
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| They took your life apart and called you failure's art |
| 06.02.04 (5:36 pm) [edit] |
Ug, so very tired. Sorry to my many fans for the delayed blogging this week-it's been a doozy. Actually I just haven't been able to think of anything compelling enough to write about. I'll sit down here and there and draw a taco driving a pickup or something and I think "where has the magic gone?"
I'm exhausted tonight because I have been on a killer new health craze sweeping the country. I'm referring, of course, to the Hillary Beach Diet. How the HBD works is like this:
1. You get on a treadmill and start running
2. Don't stop until you're thin
2 weeks of the Hillary Beach Diet has only yielded limited results for me. Every night I run for 30 minutes, which for some might be nothing, but for me is like scaling Mt. Everest with a dump truck tied to my belt. Then I do free-weights and sit-ups. Then, if I can get back up the stairs, I lay down for about 5 hours.
But 2 weeks of the HBD has only caused me to lose 3 pounds, which isn't much. And then it hit me: weight loss isn't about diet or exercise, but just about buying bigger pants.
And just because you know you want it:
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| I must be in outer space, because you all look out of this world |
| 05.27.04 (6:11 pm) [edit] |
Inspired by my sister watching a TV show about bad celebrity baby names such as Sean Penn's "Hopper Jack" son and Jermaine Jackson's "Jermagesty" and someone I can't remember's son "Banjo Patrick," I have assembled my own list of very bad baby names. Please review them, disseminate them and vote on them. The winner will be announced on TF next week!
Girls:
Sharsty
Ampersand
Latrine (or Trina for short!)
Briadja Jelice
Brailey
Boys:
Guitar LaVarr
Disco Nabisco
Scotty 2 Hottie
Andre 3000
John
Also, here is an obligatory cartoon, entitled "When the moon whispers to my pillow/a study in light and dark reflected in eternity number 7" OR "Cheese playing the banjo"
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| The sunlight's making me paranoid |
| 05.27.04 (6:03 pm) [edit] |
Found a fun new website where you can input your own JK for prez slogan and it will generate a picture like thus:
Try it, it's fun!
http://kerrysloganator.com" title="http://kerrysloganator.com" target="_blank"http://kerrysloganator.com
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| You cannot lift another soul until you are standing on higher ground than he is |
| 05.26.04 (5:15 pm) [edit] |
OK much apologies to my myriad fans for missing a day yesterday. I know how much of you depend on your daily dose of Funke, so I have a special treat in store for you today. Multiple cartoons!
Also, a note to those who have submitted their photos to me for a cariacture; I am working on them! This particular batch was actually kindof difficult and I am not satisfied with the finished projects yet. But I will post them by the holiday, I promise!
OK our first picture, entitled "If they taught the Force at Jedi Academy Junior Highs, it would primary be used to pull down the pants of the school bullies."
The next picture is a really lame picture that pretty much speaks for itself:
Xibit was a lame rapper with a lame single a few years back, for the Xibit impaired. Eminem and Dr. Dre liked him-he was like an untalented precursor to 50 Cent.
The final picture is a karma picture of my little brother in 3 years; karma for him getting all the good genes while I, the first born, wound up bald, extremely nearsighted and allergic to everything that grows or is alive. The hand in the picture is our Dad, and the dialogue is actual dialogue we are subjected to whenever the two are in the same room with each other...
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| Shampoo, TV,....Shampoo... |
| 05.24.04 (7:58 pm) [edit] |
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| For suppah, I er uh would like the party platta! |
| 05.21.04 (4:43 pm) [edit] |
Obscure Star Wars trivia: The character of Chewbacca Johnson, the benevolent Wookie, was originally played by Robin Williams, who wore no makeup and who was completely naked save for just one item of clothing-his famous space-sash.
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| I'd shake your hand but, you know, peanut arms! |
| 05.20.04 (6:41 pm) [edit] |
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| Try it out, it's like nothing you've ever seen |
| 05.18.04 (4:17 pm) [edit] |
Today we tackle the central star of Star Wars, a man who needs no introduction, the guy who played Luke Skywalker, whoever he was.
OK for the sake of the blog we'll concentrate on the character of luke and not the local Kmart stockboy who portrayed him in the films. First of all, Luke has an OK name. If not for the Dukes of Hazard, the name "Luke" might not have been tainted so much and you'd see more 29 year olds these days named Luke. As for Skywalker, that's kindof cool, too. It's easier to pronounce than most last names, and it makes you sound heroic. Take the following example:
[b]Non-heroic name:[/b] Urkel Weinerson
[b]Heroic name:[/b] Chad LightningSpank
I like the sound of it. I kid Luke a lot, but I think he's a pretty good main character, mostly because we get to see him grow from a simple peasant boy to a brave space guy who cavorts with various puppets, to, finally, an arrogant braggard who boasts and struts about like he was cock of the walk. Well let me tell you something: Luke Skywalker is cock of nothing!
Sorry, I keep getting off the point here. He is pretty arrogant in Return of the Jedi, though, no? "If you do not release Han Solo to me, I will be forced to destroy you and your palace." Him and his robot hand. Well I bet he wouldn't be so tough if he didn't have that robot hand. What if, instead of a robot hand, he had a toilet paper dispenser?
Ah! I made a promise to myself to not steer the blog into such scatalogical humor as I recently have (see my hilarious and brilliant cartoon from last Friday). Anyway, in the first Star Wars, Luke did a lot of whining. He was usually bugging his Uncle for something or another, and then when his aunt and uncle get turned into crispy Mars Attacks skeletons by Darth Vader's stormtroopers, he doesn't even care at all and goes to hang out with Obi Wan Kenobi to go pick up space strippers in the Mos Eisley cantina.
Second of all, he disturbingly makes out with his sister, who is dressed like Little Cindy Lou Who and is suffering from the most unusually voluminous case of ear hair I have ever seen. It's so bad that she is able to form two really large, vertical buns out of it, sandwiching her face like she was a Quiznos sub. But we'll get to Leia later...
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| Emby Mellay? That's not a name, that's a bad Scrabble hand. |
| 05.17.04 (10:00 pm) [edit] |
Todays post is regarding the only two characters who have starred in every Star Wars movie: stormtrooper #7 and Generic Rebel pilot #4. Wait, no, thats next weeks blog. Today is C-3PO and R2-D2.
Despite the fact that these are essentially two naked robots who are in love with each other, one of which is mind-numbingly cowardly and shrill, the other who is cool in a prop kind of way, Star Wars fans have embraced Artoo and Threepio as one of their own, often going as one or the other for Halloween. Here is a good tip on how to make your own Threepio or Artoo costumes:
THREEPIO: Lose about 200lbs, even if you only weigh 100 lbs. Then get a liver disease that will turn your skin yellow. Now work on your catchphrases Oh dear and Nooo!
ARTOO: Paint a trash can blue, put wheels on it. Buy a harmonica or a small keyboard.
The two droids, short for androids, I assume, couldnt be more different. Threepio is the French-like surrendering droid, who, upon any confrontation, will immediately give himself up and divulge all of his confidential information. Artoo has a little more dignity. While not as American as Han Solo, who doesnt take any crap from anyone and thinks his broken-down vehicle is cool, Artoo is a little bit craftier. Maybe Artoo can be British for the sake of this example. Loyal and with a loveable dialect, Artoo tolerates his close proximity to the French Threepio and will usually bail him out if necessary to help Han and friends. The two of them are usually getting into all kindof of wacky adventures.
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| Ze flim is okey dokey! |
| 05.14.04 (5:22 pm) [edit] |
I am proud to announce that next week will officially be STAR WARS WEEK on "Daily Cartoon with Dr. Funky." All-new cartoons every weekday with a Star Wars theme.
Why a Star Wars theme, you ask? Becasue I'm in a Star Wars mood. There was an article over at the Weekly Standard http://www.weeklystandard.com... about Fan Films. Most of them are Star Wars or Star Trek themed, and I headed over to one of the links in the story to check these out for myself.
The movie I found was called "Episode X: The Jedi Saga." I expected the movie to have pretty decent special effects, which it did. What I didn't expect was for the movie to make me very, very sad, which it also did. Watching the guy with the way too much chest hair and his little homemade Star Wars outfit hop around his Mom's backyard deflecting laser blasts from an evil frogman with his little I-Mac lightsaber sent me into a shame spiral the likes of which I may never recover from.
But there's something very American about Star Wars, seeing as how no one else in the rest of the world has come up with anything to match it. I heard a guy named Xiang Lux!ng in China has made an epic space film about telepathic monkeys who are able to throw poo at each other with their minds, but come on, that's been done a thousand times! (Don't worry, I will spare my readers a cartoon representation of this.)
Wait, what am I thinking? That kind of cartoon is exactly what this blog is about. On with the Telepathic Jedi Poo Monkeys!
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| No, no, you've always had that wrong about me. I really am this shallow. |
| 05.13.04 (6:52 pm) [edit] |
OK I'll even admit today's cartoon was way too much effort for such a lame joke. Here, I'll let you read it first:
The third panel is supposed to be my pal at work spitting his pop on the window from laughter, but it kindof looks like he's projectile vomiting. The fact that this was a real joke I told today, and made up on the spot, fills me with pride. Or maybe it's shame. Yes, that's it; shame.
Pal at work, I really hope you don't read my blog, because I know I would be pretty creeped out if I found out someone at my work drew me into their creepy cartoon blog and depicted me as a bespectacled, Ned Flanders-type character. I'm really not stalking you! Honest I'm not! *nervous laughter*
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